When I was growing up, my dad told us repeatedly that he loved my brother and me very much, but that he loved my mom more. I appreciated this. It made me feel very secure: I knew he loved me, so how much more did he love my mom? I never once felt any concerns that the family would break up, and I was not fearful for their relationship, even when they had a disagreement. This sense of security was very formative in my upbringing.
Contrast my experience with an observation: Out of all my coworkers with kids, maybe only one in ten of them ever talks about his or her spouse in an endearing manner, but they talk about their kids all the time. They have many pictures of their kids at their desks, but not their spouses. When I’m on a business trip and I hear a coworker call home to check in, he or she usually spends much more time asking about what the kids have been up to or asking to talk to the kids, and will rarely end the call with an “I love you” to the spouse.
Love your wife more than your children, and your kids will feel even more loved because of it.
Parents today spend so much time trying to make their kids feel loved that they often end up sacrificing their relationship with their husband or wife. This is most likely a reaction to the stiff, distant patriarchy of previous generations, but it’s too much, and I believe we will see the consequences when today’s children are older. We’ve tilted too far in the other direction and we need to start tilting back.
Fortunately, I think the tilt has begun. I’ve seen two articles this month published in major news outlets that speak against the husband’s diminished role in the family. The first, by John Rosemond, suggests the same thing I suggest here: be a better husband and you will be a better father. The second, by Roland S. Martin, speaks of the need for a father to take initiative in the home and to be someone his children can respect.
Both of these articles jump up and down on the see-saw, figuratively speaking, in that they exaggerate their proposed solutions in effort to return to level. Rosemond, for instance, argues that it is good for a father to be emotionally distant, like many fathers in the 1950’s and 60’s. I disagree! That generation had their own set of problems. But I also wholeheartedly agree with him when he says that the father should not try to put himself on the same level with the kids. There must be a degree of respect. When I was in elementary and middle school, I didn’t respect anyone who was my equal.
I don’t have kids. But when I do, and when they are my age, I hope they will look back and remember me as resolute, but not overconfident; industrious, but not consumed by my job; loving, but not permissive; fun, but not carefree; humble, but not weak.
This is how I remember my own dad, and the best way I can honor his memory is by raising my own children the same way as he did.
See also: John Rosemond On Being a Good Husband, a post on my friend Ryan Thompson’s blog which prompted a very lengthy discussion on the role of the father in marriage. This entry is adapted from one of my comments in that discussion.
Nice :-)
It is interesting to consider how my parents operated when I was a child. I cannot say that my father put his children first or whether he put his wife first. Perhaps the effect is similar to that of putting no one as a priority; I am not sure. My history lacks feelings of both neglect and priority.
As someone else who was not alive in the 1950’s and 1960’s I cannot bear witness to how men acted during those times. However, I would surmise that men valued these:
their egos first,
their castles second,
their automobiles third,
their meals prepared for them quickly fourth,
their sexual relationships cheaply given fifth,
and anything else they could get their hands on (recipients of physical abuse, e.g.) sixth.
My bet is on similar masculine behavior in 2009, with slight modification.
Kevin, one possible reason many men do not discuss their wives at work is that their marital relationship has matured enough that things go without saying.
Another reason could be that their wives read emails but their children do not; therefore a phone call is the only method of communication — during the day — with their children.
Regardless of the outcome, the suspicion you hold is most likely valid: men do not deal with their wives in a loving fashion. It is easier to always start fresh with children who believe we wear a red cape and save the world during the day, than to develop and re-develop a starving relationship with a woman who hears us groan, grumble, and sees many of our faults. It requires a high level of repentance.
I believe parents who love their children do not love their children if they do not love their children’s mother and live moment-by-moment for her joy.